Sunday, January 27, 2013 - Posted by Lauren at 1:02 PM
Yesterday, as our night was winding down, we were sitting in the office. I was trying to help Jonathan write up some copy for his website. He was leaning backwards in his ugly-but-serviceable office chair. (I plan to spray paint and attempt to reupholster it soon.)

I was sitting across from him in the plushy chair and had somehow tucked my foot up under the seat of his chair. Deep in thought about the website, I didn't realize what a HORRIBLE DECISION THAT WAS. 

But it immediately became clear when Jonathan leaned forward and crunched my little piggies between the bottom of the seat and the base of the chair. At first I was just "Oww, oww"ing and laughing and trying to catch my breath and convince him it wasn't his fault! It felt like slamming your fingers in the sliding door of a minivan (now how would I know that?), so I was just waiting for the pain to stop making my tummy flip. But it was taking longer than normal. 

Jonathan was adorable and was trying to figure out what he could do to help. We decided that an ice pack might be nice. As he went to go get it, I finally had the courage to remove my other foot that was applying pressure in order to survey the damage. I wish I had looked sooner.

Because the floor looked like a slasher movie. 

I yelled to the other room, "Oh no! Honey, I'm bleeding. A LOT. Ack! There's blood everywhere! Ahh!!! The carpet! Bring me a towel, please. And a Band-Aid, or no, wait, the first aid kit with the gauze and tape. And we need to google how to get fresh blood out of carpet." Meanwhile, I sacrificed a nearby pair of jeans to stem the flow.

I hobbled to the bathroom and started trying to wipe the black grease from the chair out of my wound while my darling husband brought all the supplies I requested. Google told us to put household ammonia on the carpet, but we didn't have any. Fortunately, I'd recently picked up some hydrogen peroxide in case of a situation like this. It worked wonders on the blood! Then we used Dawn soap to get the black grease out of the carpet. Yay!Everything looks good as new.

Except for my foot.

"Down with the Clown Couch!"

Thursday, January 24, 2013 - Posted by Lauren at 10:44 PM
That's what all the filthy plebeians are yelling in the streets.

In the streets here.
In my head.

*Cough* Melodrama. It's how I stay motivated for draining DIY projects.

Several of which I accomplished today! Yay! Even while battling bronchitis! Yay!

So, back to important matters. The Evil Clown Couch has been ruling our lives. Kind of. Well, I mean, it's really ugly and smells kinda funky and is fairly uncomfortable. I don't care if you adore vintage fashion, this thing would wrinkle your nose, too. I don't know where it originated, but Jonathan's parents may have had the clown couch before it lived with his older sister's family before migrating here. Aside from smelling vaguely of decomposing straw and looking like it escaped from a 1960s circus, it harbors even darker horrors within. Because it's a sleeper sofa. You would have to be shoveling cash to convince me to open this puppy up.

Until now, we've been throwing a faded blue comforter over the monstrosity and pretending ignorance about what is concealed. That plan worked fine until we started to think seriously about listing our house for sale and trying to stage it for photos. Since The Evil Clown Couch inexplicably weighs about two tons *shudders to think what might be weighing it down,* relocating it before we move out is not an option. The only thing that's going to budge this beast is a sledge hammer.

So an alternate plan had to be formulated. How to disguise this monster for the smallest financial blow to our slender pre-listing repair budget? A $22 9x12 canvas drop cloth from Lowe's has saved the day as well as the aesthetics of our media room. Let it be known that I do not understand working with fabric. So a little nervous measuring, cutting, pinning and a lot of praying later...

The beast is vanquished!

Yes, the arms look messy and awkward. I totally knew that was going to happen. So I had planned ahead for it! Ha-HA! I bought a yard of this happy, hip orange fabric that was massively on sale at Joann.com and whipped up a couple pillow slipcovers to hide the messies.

Behold! A phoenix rising from the ashes!

So despite the fact that I'm posting this on the Internet and being all super-excited, I totally am aware that this is a pretty lame DIY slipcover. You won't find me giving a tutorial. But considering that this thing is either soon going to the dump... or possibly to my other sister-in-law's future dream house, it wasn't that important to me to pour blood and tears into it.

Now tell me the stories behind the ugliest furniture you've owned!